Pause. What are you texting and to whom right now? Have you had more than three cocktails? Did you just watch When Harry Met Sally? Is the text longer than your last college term paper? Are you sure you’re texting “BFF” and not “Boss?” Do you feel your text has been properly vetted because you just ran it past your dog and his look said, “Definitely. Hit ‘Send’ immediately you brilliant, texting genius.”
There’s nothing worse than an impetuous text gone awry. You’re certain you’ve come off light, quirky, charming and adorable … until five minutes passes with no response from the recipient. Then, you start to ponder if you have actually come off as a peculiar little bird who, you realize too late, is also horrible at spelling ALL THE WORDS.
On behalf of Havakk, let us help you not be the latter with these 10 texts we think should probably never be sent.
1. Hey, just wondering if you got my message from earlier? Or yesterday’s message? Worried your phone’s not working. Or, maybe mine’s not working? I’ll stop by later. Or call me.
Just….gawd… no. One text. One call. That’s all, and then you’re cut off.
The one-word text is a special kind of infuriating. It says, “I got your text and I care just enough to hit one key, two if you count ‘send.’ I’m a sadist.”
3. [Insert picture of NSFW body part here.]
If it’s not your smiling face, think about this image living in infamy for all time on someone else’s phone. If you simply can’t control the urge, then just take a close-up picture of your upper arm pressed against your side and play Armpit or Buttcrack? Never gets old.
4. Met you Saturday at Chipotle Speed Dating Night. Drinks this weekend?
Really? You want to ask someone out but you can’t be bothered to actually speak to them? Minus 10 classy points my friend.
5. I’m only dating blondes now.
In the same vein, the text breakup is in no way, shape or form acceptable.
6. Lez get 2gether 2nite wot time ur hottie bf.
Wait, what? You owe it to humanity to take the extra five seconds and write out all the words, vowels included.
7. My cat just puked. #gross #meow #orangeclumps
Hashtags are for Twitter, not texting. They’re unnecessary … much like this text.
8. I miss youuuuuuuuuuuuuu. xoxoxoxo
When this goes to an ex, a one-night-stand from eight months ago or someone you just had a first date with last night, you’ve just committed a fail, my friend—one you will regret as soon as that tequila wears off.
9. :–)) :# :0)
You have a double chin, braces and a big nose? Can you just use entire words again, please?
10. Hey mom, hope your casserole turned out OK. Thanks for sending me that Columbus Day card. It was really thoughtful. Enjoy Murder She Wrote reruns tonight!
Call your parents. They want to hear your voice. Plus, an unofficial study found that 62% of parents believed they should turn their phone off when not in use, meaning they won’t get your texts until they turn it back on the next time you come to visit.